... You know I got people sleeping near me right? I have to hold back so I don't wake up everyone.
[She sighs. Even with silence due to hesistation, she bites down on the "bullet" to give him an answer.]
You're going to tell me that I am overreacting and it's stupid, but fine. I'm mad, upset, and hurt because it took a mistake message to finally get a word back from you after silence for days.
I don't expect a response right away and I get if things are happening like you were in danger or something. I also want to let you have some space to yourself instead of taking up all your time, but if you never give me a reply for a long time and go off to talk to other people on the network, no matter if it's work related or not...
[She pulls her knees to her chest so she can rest her forehead against them along with hiding her face away from the world.]
It felt like I did something wrong and you are ignoring me on purpose as punishment. I'm trying not to ask a lot from you, but... [She stops there because she needs to collect herself again with a few breaths.]
I'm glad you are okay by seeing you talk and plan with others. I guess I am really overreacting, huh...
[Why is she blaming herself when its Yuwon's fault that he gave her silence...]
Edited (im sorry for my endless edits) 2024-08-08 13:44 (UTC)
[ while there's another response ready to be deployed out of his mouth, one along the lines of "what do you have to say that you're worried about not being able to hold back your voice"? but he figures he should just remain silent and just hear her out, especially as he hears the sigh of her, perhaps, working up the will to continue?
her words...
feel a lot like getting scolded. even yuwon can figure that much. he can tell she was desperately attempting to think of the situation from his perspective, despite her own displeasure at his actions. she's definitely a better person than he is, or so he thinks. but, at the same time, he also has difficulties in tearing his usual mindset away from how it had been in the tower. once, she's finished, she'll find him silent on the line for a while. almost as if he were uncertain if she had more to follow-up with.
she doesn't, and so eventually: ] I wouldn't ignore you.
[ even if it seems like that on paper? why does he feel like she thinks he ghosted her? (he did) ] In the tower, I sometimes would get caught up in a trial, or a dungeon, and I wouldn't come out for at least a month. [ give or take. ] I am not used to having someone to contact. Even before— [ back on earth, he barely had any contacts even on his phone. which probably could be seen as being kind of sad, but he seems to shake it off. ] I also had a few things on my mind. This isn't meant to be an excuse. I can't promise I'll be better, but I will try to send you something next time. [ a pause. ]
You're not overreacting. ... probably. [ listen, he doesn't know what normal really is... ]
[Honey, we are not really good people, we have been over this... They are both people with their strengths and flaws. Sometimes they work well and other times there are moments like this.]
Don't make any promises you can't keep. [Her heart is already worn out from them.]
You should try to stay in contact with the people you care about. They could be gone at any second now.
[ they're harsh words on paper, and yet yuwon doesn't sound like he's bothered by them. instead, he simply accepts them. ] I won't, and ... I understand what you mean. [ there's no apology attached to his words, or anything, but maybe the silence that permeates the line for a few seconds is his own version of one. ]
I probably mentioned it before— [ vaguely, maybe, but he's definitely overestimating how much he's said. ] I originally came from here. But, it's not like I had any good memories, or anything. [ ... ] It's really nothing.
So... You were born in this country? Or like something very close to it.
[Well, that answers her question. Even if he says it's nothing, there is always that awkward feeling on returning to where you were originally from after a long period of time. Some people find joy in it, others not so much. It depends on their situation.]
Returning to a familiar place can be hard for some people. Are you sure it's really nothing?
I guess I would say it's pretty close. Even down to the cities in it. [ though, he supposed since japan and its places existed to others here, he couldn't exactly take it personally. besides, like she said, at most... it's just a place "close to it." in no way is it the real article, and he tries not to make the foolish mistake of believing it is.
but, at her words, he does relax a little, a certain shift to his tone. does he suddenly sound more tired? ] I'm sure. It was a strange reminder, but this place really didn't mean anything to me. [ ... is that a better or a worse realization? ]
But, thanks. [ he doesn't just mean for asking and for caring for him despite his clear missteps...
it was also for reaching out. he guesses there's still a lot he could improve on. ... and a lot more he needed to get used to. ]
[She's not super sure about his response. She does try to think over it as if she was in his shoes, but trying to think what is going on in Yuwon's head sometimes is a challenge.]
If we got time, we could make a good memory in this place. [Whatever it is...] Anyways, you should get some more sleep. You sound like you gotten more tired all of a sudden.
It's a good offer. [ he does say to her, almost as if he were thinking about it aloud to himself. at her statement, he remains silent on the line for what feels like seconds too long, before he speaks again. ]
I'm okay. [ ... ] Are you laying down? I'll cut the line once you fall asleep.
[ the nickname even in the capacity of a joke reminds him a lot of when they were in vegas together. the thought doesn't last for long before, he focuses back on her explanation. ] Yeah, I said I would. [ more confirmation than anything...
... [She stays quiet for a little bit, taking it in that he confirmed that he will stay online even if this conversation lasts all night. He is choosing to be there for her even with this long distance barrier and the different dangers that surround them.
Yuwon can hear her starting to move as she takes a few minutes to go back for her cot, move it to a more 'private' spot and set it up before laying back down on it.]
I'll try to get over it, but...
[She closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath.]
Some things really like to linger on for me. [Her feelings. Her faults and fears.]
I know. [ he presumes much like how her past plagued her even to this day. though, he supposed it was only natural. only "human" to a certain extent, and so he places no fault on her. even if he may not be the best at putting forth apologies or making clear amends, he is doing the best he can with his own limited sphere of knowledge.
...
she knows that much, right? well, it's not like he does it simply because he wants her to understand. ] My offer still stands. [ about hitting him if she has to. is this a joke? who knows. ] But, for now, just relax. [ a beat. ] ... And you're sure nothing else happened?
[ it just felt like she spiraled for a second there, and he can't deny it's still lingering on his mind. ]
[Part of her does know that he is doing his best while others continue to try to put her down a path of negative thoughts. It's kind of silly that she really does sleep better when someone who she values and trusts (like Yuwon, but Ishmael counts too) sleeps next to her. Maybe it puts her mind in focus on them and thier well being so she tries not to make them worry about herself.]
Here? Not really. Back at home... [When she got an update on happenings from LILITH... The events that happened in Wuthering Heights and especially T Corp. It's still clawing at her and she hates it every time it crosses her mind.]
It's a lot to explain. I dunno if I want to do it over the phone. [Or really at all, but...] I feel like if I try to talk it out with the others, they are going to think it's stupid.
[Others being Ishmael and Vergilius in this context. Talking someone she trusts that is not from The City is a little better despite it's still hard.]
[ back at home? there's a silent sort of confusion as he waits for her to continue. while he had experienced tidbits of her turbulent and incredibly stark past, he was sure whatever he had seen and experienced within those "dreams" were nothing like what actually went on inside of her.
he breathes in and exhales quietly, before he speaks. ] No one is going to think it's stupid. [ actually, he doesn't know if that's true, and the sudden way in which he stops talking probably says that, but he does rework it. ] If it's important to you, then I want to hear it.
You put up with a lot, and just because one person thinks it's trivial, it doesn't mean it is. [ he was on the flipside of that a lot, he thinks now. he can say this with conviction if just because his past self was such a selfish bastard... so it's easy for him in his present state to do better than that, at least. ]
You don't get it. If I was back home... If people knew about these feelings...
[Oh man the canon update conversation is going to a fun time for both of them. For now, her voice trails off as she slowly falls into coldness where she belongs. She could fall deeper into despair, but talking to Yuwon is like making her hold on the edge of a cliff. Clinging on to something before she loses herself.]
or that's what he concludes. a place where even the smallest inkling of feelings or tender emotions seeming to get the worst possible results. exposing vulnerabilities is never easy or simple in any world, whether it was south korea on earth, the tower, or the city. so he comprehends where she is coming from, but at the same time... ]
I can't be there right now, [ ... ]
But, let's finish this conversation when I'm back. I'll listen to you all night long if I have to. [ though, hopefully it isn't that long, yuwon thinks. jk, or am i. ] I want to hear it.
[ he says back, but there is something marginally softer in his voice. clearly it's his own form of a joke, even if it barely constitutes as one. but, then again, she probably knows he's not really a fun person by traditional standards, and so he gives a noise of comprehension. ] Yeah, go to bed. You'll feel a bit better when you're rested.
Come on~ Get some teleportation skills and you can sleep right next to me at any time.
[She also trying to form a joke to lighten the mood a little bit, but she does close her eyes and make her attempts to sleep. Yuwon could hear her toss and turn a few times, but eventually her breathing gets softer as time passes. Since he has seen her sleep before, it's that same sense of peace that Yuwon might be able to feel over the implant. She might not get fully better in the morning, but some sleep is always better than none.]
[ it would be convenient to have that skill, but he isn't sure he trusts any skills or abilities that aren't ones he's garnered from the tower. he also doesn't want to consider how it would impact his body. instead, all does is give a soft sigh, before letting the silence overtake the line. the noise of the sheets, her breathing, and eventually when she sleeps, he thinks, or maybe even says (he's too tired to confirm if this also wasn't just an extension of his sleep) a muted "good night" before cutting the line. ]
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[She sighs. Even with silence due to hesistation, she bites down on the "bullet" to give him an answer.]
You're going to tell me that I am overreacting and it's stupid, but fine. I'm mad, upset, and hurt because it took a mistake message to finally get a word back from you after silence for days.
I don't expect a response right away and I get if things are happening like you were in danger or something. I also want to let you have some space to yourself instead of taking up all your time, but if you never give me a reply for a long time and go off to talk to other people on the network, no matter if it's work related or not...
[She pulls her knees to her chest so she can rest her forehead against them along with hiding her face away from the world.]
It felt like I did something wrong and you are ignoring me on purpose as punishment. I'm trying not to ask a lot from you, but... [She stops there because she needs to collect herself again with a few breaths.]
I'm glad you are okay by seeing you talk and plan with others. I guess I am really overreacting, huh...
[Why is she blaming herself when its Yuwon's fault that he gave her silence...]
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her words...
feel a lot like getting scolded. even yuwon can figure that much. he can tell she was desperately attempting to think of the situation from his perspective, despite her own displeasure at his actions. she's definitely a better person than he is, or so he thinks. but, at the same time, he also has difficulties in tearing his usual mindset away from how it had been in the tower. once, she's finished, she'll find him silent on the line for a while. almost as if he were uncertain if she had more to follow-up with.
she doesn't, and so eventually: ] I wouldn't ignore you.
[ even if it seems like that on paper? why does he feel like she thinks he ghosted her? (he did) ] In the tower, I sometimes would get caught up in a trial, or a dungeon, and I wouldn't come out for at least a month. [ give or take. ] I am not used to having someone to contact. Even before— [ back on earth, he barely had any contacts even on his phone. which probably could be seen as being kind of sad, but he seems to shake it off. ] I also had a few things on my mind. This isn't meant to be an excuse. I can't promise I'll be better, but I will try to send you something next time. [ a pause. ]
You're not overreacting. ... probably. [ listen, he doesn't know what normal really is... ]
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Don't make any promises you can't keep. [Her heart is already worn out from them.]
You should try to stay in contact with the people you care about. They could be gone at any second now.
[...]
What was on your mind that got you distracted?
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I probably mentioned it before— [ vaguely, maybe, but he's definitely overestimating how much he's said. ] I originally came from here. But, it's not like I had any good memories, or anything. [ ... ] It's really nothing.
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[Well, that answers her question. Even if he says it's nothing, there is always that awkward feeling on returning to where you were originally from after a long period of time. Some people find joy in it, others not so much. It depends on their situation.]
Returning to a familiar place can be hard for some people. Are you sure it's really nothing?
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but, at her words, he does relax a little, a certain shift to his tone. does he suddenly sound more tired? ] I'm sure. It was a strange reminder, but this place really didn't mean anything to me. [ ... is that a better or a worse realization? ]
But, thanks. [ he doesn't just mean for asking and for caring for him despite his clear missteps...
it was also for reaching out. he guesses there's still a lot he could improve on. ... and a lot more he needed to get used to. ]
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[She's not super sure about his response. She does try to think over it as if she was in his shoes, but trying to think what is going on in Yuwon's head sometimes is a challenge.]
If we got time, we could make a good memory in this place. [Whatever it is...] Anyways, you should get some more sleep. You sound like you gotten more tired all of a sudden.
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I'm okay. [ ... ] Are you laying down? I'll cut the line once you fall asleep.
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[Even when she is upset and mad at him, she can still crack a joke sometimes. Helps ease the suffering a bit.]
No, I moved out of my cot so I don't wake the sleepers nearby... You sure about that? I might keep you up all night.
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then after a second he says a bit more quietly: ]
... so don't be too mad.
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Yuwon can hear her starting to move as she takes a few minutes to go back for her cot, move it to a more 'private' spot and set it up before laying back down on it.]
I'll try to get over it, but...
[She closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath.]
Some things really like to linger on for me. [Her feelings. Her faults and fears.]
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...
she knows that much, right? well, it's not like he does it simply because he wants her to understand. ] My offer still stands. [ about hitting him if she has to. is this a joke? who knows. ] But, for now, just relax. [ a beat. ] ... And you're sure nothing else happened?
[ it just felt like she spiraled for a second there, and he can't deny it's still lingering on his mind. ]
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Here? Not really. Back at home... [When she got an update on happenings from LILITH... The events that happened in Wuthering Heights and especially T Corp. It's still clawing at her and she hates it every time it crosses her mind.]
It's a lot to explain. I dunno if I want to do it over the phone. [Or really at all, but...] I feel like if I try to talk it out with the others, they are going to think it's stupid.
[Others being Ishmael and Vergilius in this context. Talking someone she trusts that is not from The City is a little better despite it's still hard.]
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he breathes in and exhales quietly, before he speaks. ] No one is going to think it's stupid. [ actually, he doesn't know if that's true, and the sudden way in which he stops talking probably says that, but he does rework it. ] If it's important to you, then I want to hear it.
You put up with a lot, and just because one person thinks it's trivial, it doesn't mean it is. [ he was on the flipside of that a lot, he thinks now. he can say this with conviction if just because his past self was such a selfish bastard... so it's easy for him in his present state to do better than that, at least. ]
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[Oh man the canon update conversation is going to a fun time for both of them. For now, her voice trails off as she slowly falls into coldness where she belongs. She could fall deeper into despair, but talking to Yuwon is like making her hold on the edge of a cliff. Clinging on to something before she loses herself.]
I wish you were here. [In person.]
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or that's what he concludes. a place where even the smallest inkling of feelings or tender emotions seeming to get the worst possible results. exposing vulnerabilities is never easy or simple in any world, whether it was south korea on earth, the tower, or the city. so he comprehends where she is coming from, but at the same time... ]
I can't be there right now, [ ... ]
But, let's finish this conversation when I'm back. I'll listen to you all night long if I have to. [ though, hopefully it isn't that long, yuwon thinks. jk, or am i. ] I want to hear it.
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[She wants a lot because she had barely anything. And the things she has right now, she is scared of losing it.]
If you say so... I'll try. It hurts, but I will give it a shot.
[The hurt/comfort for thier growths, beej...]
I'll try to sleep now. Okay?
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[ he says back, but there is something marginally softer in his voice. clearly it's his own form of a joke, even if it barely constitutes as one. but, then again, she probably knows he's not really a fun person by traditional standards, and so he gives a noise of comprehension. ] Yeah, go to bed. You'll feel a bit better when you're rested.
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[She also trying to form a joke to lighten the mood a little bit, but she does close her eyes and make her attempts to sleep. Yuwon could hear her toss and turn a few times, but eventually her breathing gets softer as time passes. Since he has seen her sleep before, it's that same sense of peace that Yuwon might be able to feel over the implant. She might not get fully better in the morning, but some sleep is always better than none.]
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